No, those aren't the reasons that having a two and a half week old is hard work. What makes being a parent hard work is the very thing that should be my support system. I expected people to ooh and ahh over my newborn, ask me about if she sleeps well at night, give me advice, and tell me how the time will fly by. I did not expect people to make me feel bad about certain aspects of how we are choosing to raise our child. (After only two and a half weeks, no less!) That is what we shall call Mom Shaming. Mom Shaming is what makes this whole parenting thing hard work. In actuality, Mom Shaming started even before Olivia was born.
Lack of Birth Plan:
A large number of people asked me before Olivia was born what our "birth plan" was. The question confused me every time someone asked me. I fought the urge every time to say "uhh, have a healthy baby?" like having a plan written on paper (or even in my mind) would somehow make its way into my womb, and update my unborn child on how to enter the world so my plan works out exactly how my husband and I had previously planned. I understand that it's important to be prepared. More than that, I understand that no amount of planning on my part will make the day go how I had planned. Truth be told, the reason I did not see fit to have a birth plan was the simple fact that if I had planned some elaborate step by step plan, and something had gone askew, that would have stressed me out more than not having a plan at all. Planning something as unpredictable as child birth seemed crazy to me. Yet a large number of people still responded like I was making a huge mistake when I dropped the bomb on them that I hadn't planned any aspect of giving birth. I had in my head how I would have liked for it to go, but the main thing was that I knew I needed to be flexible. I wanted to focus on bringing Olivia into the world safely instead of focusing on a step by step plan that likely wouldn't end up the way I had planned in the first place. If you want to have a birth plan, more power to you. For me, though, that wasn't something that we saw was necessary.
Having a C Section:
I never knew that having a child by C-Section somehow made people view me as less of a mother. I read a blog the other day about this, and it seriously confused me. C-Section or not, bringing a child into the world is an amazing thing. In other news, recovering from major surgery while having a newborn is a combination of two trying things. Having a child naturally and adjusting to a newborn is a big adjustment. Doing so while recovering from a surgery that leaves a large slice mark in the bottom of your abdomen while being on pain medicine that makes you groggy, and feeling like your insides might become outsides every time you sneeze or cough is rough. I've only given birth via C-Section, so I can't compare the two. But I can tell you that having a C-Section, while it was a quicker ordeal in the hospital than giving birth naturally, the recovery is no joke. About 12 hours after Olivia was born, the nurse said I needed to get up and go to the bathroom. It literally took me two hours (with the help of James and the nurse) to get up, walk across the room, go to the bathroom, and get back in the hospital bed. Sitting up in a chair, standing up, taking a shower, going to the bathroom, sneezing or coughing, and even sleeping are all extremely painful. Mix in late night feedings, diaper changes, getting used to a newborn, finding a schedule, etc, and I'm seriously bewildered why having a C-Section makes one less qualified to say that they've gone through labor. I'm not at all saying that giving birth naturally is less hard than giving birth via C-Section. I am saying, however, that when I say I had a C-Section, and people look at me like I'm a charity case, and a halfway mommy, it really grinds my gears.
Using (Or supplementing with) Formula:
A woman's body is created with the ability to produce breast milk. Some women have trouble (for whatever reason) feeding their newborn solely with breast milk. Be it that they aren't producing enough, their milk isn't all the way in, their baby can't latch on, their supply is close to drying up, etc. A majority of these women already feel upset if they can't make breast feeding work. If they have to solely use (or supplement with) formula in order to feed their child, judging or shaming them is the last thing you should do. Believe me, they're probably beating themselves up enough already. They don't need you to drop a judge face on them when you see them mixing up some formula with which to feed their newborn. You shaming them into "choosing not to breast feed" is the absolute last thing they need. I promise you that.
Being a Working Mom:
A number of people have told me lately that I should be a stay at home mom. Believe me, I'd love nothing more than to stay at home with Olivia (and her future siblings). I also have student loans as well as our other bills to pay every month. Not everyone has the ability to stay home with their kids are forego a salary, being a one salary family. When I say that I have to go back to work after maternity leave, and people look at me like I'm a horrible mother, it really bothers me. More power to those of the mothers in the world who are able to stay at home. I'm not talking about the people who are actually sympathetic to the fact that when my maternity leave ends, it's back to work I go. I'm talking about the people who tell me that I "should be" a stay at home mom. You know, the "oh, you don't love your child enough to find a way to make it work" face.
Baby Weight:
A cashier at the store the other day saw me with Olivia and asked how old she was. When I said, "two weeks", she very obviously looked at my stomach and said, "Oh, yes. I knew she had to be just born." Now, looking at Olivia and saying that wouldn't have offended me. Looking at my stomach and saying that was an anything but subtle way to suggest I rent a Uhaul to get my huge self to the gym. Talk about feeling some shame. Still wearing maternity clothes (half because I'm afraid to try on my pre-pregnancy clothes, and half due to the fact that my cut from C-Section isn't healed yet, and form fitting clothes hurt), a judgy up-down look from the lady at Target did anything but boost my new mommy mojo.
I'm not sure that people mom shame intentionally. I'm actually pretty sure that most of the time it's unintentional. The thing is, though, that when you have a child, a nice thing called Mom Guilt comes right along with it. Constantly wondering if you did something right or wrong. (If you should have had a birth plan after all, if you should have agreed to having a C-Section, if you are using formula, if you have to go back to work, and if you've yet to drop the baby weight.) I promise you that new moms beat themselves up enough. They question their actions enough. They do everything they do for their child. Not to please you and your way of doing things. Mom shaming, dropping the judge face, giving the "oh, you're doing it that way" look, or any other forms of these things is what makes being a new mom so hard. Constantly trying to do what is right by the standards drawn up by other people. James is constantly reminding me that we are doing what is best for Olivia, and that I shouldn't let the Mom Shaming get to me. I do believe it's the hardest part of being a new mom.
I think this video speaks volumes, so I'll just leave you with this.
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